Dec 24, 2010


I battle severe depression that has increased with my chronic illnesses and pain with Fibromyalgia.  I've been so down and for the first time ever, yesterday, I wanted to just run away, I wanted to leave my husband and my daughters and disappear.  Not because I don't love them, but because I love them so much and I hate to see the pain and stress they go through because of my illnesses or my sadness.

My daughters have had to take on so much and in many ways grow up because I can't manage simple things like household things or going out and just walking the mall with them.  My husband took on the stress of worrying about me and taking care of the girls and more often than not, they weren't the nicest to him.  They aren't his biological daughters, he could have walked away but stuck it out it out the last 2 years.  I love them so much.

I can't take the medications specifically for the Fibromyalgia although few because they increased my depression to the point almost of suicidal thoughts, I wanted to give up.

I cry to the point I run out of tears.  Why me?  Why my girls and husband?  They deserve a happy life without without worrying about me or taking care of me like I'm a child, for pete's sake, I'm 39 years old.  I have not been a good mom or wife the last 2 years, I've almost lost my husband and still could over these damn illnesses.

Sorry everyone, just needed to vent, I guess the thoughts of wanting to disappear scared me even, never have thought it out that far.  I had sent my husband into Best Buy and told him I would be right in, was going to have a smoke, he said he would wait and I insisted he go in and I would find him.  I was just going to walk away.

Tomorrow is another day...remember don't go to bed mad and always tell the people around you how much they mean to you and how much you love them. I try and find happiness, I try to keep myself surrounded by the light but some days it feels like I'm just too weak to take it on.

1 comment:

Betty said...

I know it sounds corny but please read the Bible, Psalms always blessed me when I am done. But Epheisans is written directly to us, the sons and daughters of God, and tell us how much God loves us and how we can deal with "life" in its many forms.

God bless.sus